On what makes something a zombie

J: I have the perfect movie for you and your boyfriend to watch next: Zombeavers.

Zombeavers

What is a zombie when everything is a zombie?

C: Zombeavers? I’m concerned.

J: Zombeavers is real! Zombie beavers!

C: Zombie ladybugs are real!

J: There’s a zombie ladybug movie?

C: No. There are REAL zombie ladybugs.

J: BS. I think I would have noticed a zombie ladybug apocalypse.

C: It’s true. They act as hatcheries for wasps and fight off predators until the wasp hatches out and kills the ladybug.

J: Sounds more like hosts and parasites than “zombies”.

C: It’s like those ants!
zombie ants

J: Ants have that bacteria thing, more of a body snatcher situation. Wasps do the same thing to spiders. Not sure if I’d call them zombie spiders. More like soon-to-be-eaten spiders. I mean, you can’t just put the word zombie in front of something and MAKE it a zombie.

C: First, with the ants, it’s a fungus, not a bacteria. Second, I’m drinking zombie coffee RIGHT NOW while working at my zombie job.zombie coffee walking dead

J: I prefer a little extra zombie with my zombie. But the zombie civil rights group called and said we are both being zombie bigots. They mentioned that’s an appropriate way to use the word. Evidently, going around dropping the z-bomb displays a lack of cultural sensitivity.

C: Can I have a side of zombie with my zombie? Oh, and fries.

J: They’re the LIVING dead, not the dead dead! Someone did a fantastic job with their marketing pamphlet. Sheesh, C, way to be a zombiest.

C: Can I also get a zombie to go? What did the vegan zombie say? GRAAAAINNNNS…

J: Zombies are people too! Who’s the monster now?

C: Am I the monster? Can I be the monster?

J: Yes, you can. One could argue you were born for the role. ‘She did a one-man show of beauty and the beast.’ Good luck getting zombies to buy tickets, though, with your unabashed bigotry.

C: Are you calling me fat and ugly?!?!

J: BEAUTY and the beast.

C: I’M NOT UGLY! *sobs ugly tears into her zombie coffee. Tears roll down ugly, fat face* Everything is dead inside. I’m dead inside.

J: Sheesh. On the plus side, I hear fat floats. This comes from a very reliable orange, feline source. He also does not like Mondays. I don’t like Mondays. What are the odds?

C: Zombie zombie llama gerbil zombie kitteh zombie llama gerbil llama. GERBIL LLAMA GERBIL ZOMBIE!

J: And there you have it folks: One of the greatest speeches in human history. LLama gerbil, you. And llama gerbil everyone.
zombie gerbil

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