On the campaign trail


One tough cookie. The biscotti this country needs.

C: My campaign slogan: One tough cookie. This cookie don’t crumble. Claudia: The Biscotti This Country Needs.

J: Are you running for election? One tough cookie is my campaign slogan. You steal my thunder.

C: It’s MY slogan. I’M the tough cookie!

J: Beware those who would mess with the Stini! I will dunk you in milk!

C: I will soak you in coffee!

J: Says the candidate beholden to “big coffee.” I want strong, healthy bones for my town. My opponent wants you all jittery. I think the choice is clear. Support American milk and not foreign governments’ coffee beans. It’s time to put America first!

C: Folks, my opponent doesn’t support American-grown Kona from Hawaii, nor does he understand the economic impact coffee has on the breakfast and dessert industries. He also doesn’t grasp the decline in productivity and efficiency that would happen in offices around this country. The best part of waking up is freedom to choose! Not to have the government tell you what you can and cannot drink!

J: If my opponent wants to drink coffee and support terrorism, that’s her choice. The stain on our flag and on our teeth is, evidently, a small price to pay for my opponent’s political ambition.


My opponent just ate ALL the nachos! How can we trust a man who won’t even share?


C: Stains can be removed, but when we hand our flag and our country over to someone who can’t even sew and has questionable oral hygiene practices–this man has admitted to having komodo dragon saliva!–we are crossing over into territory we may never recover from. My opponent wants to eat all the cookies, ice cream, and burritos, while never gaining weight. How is that even possible?! Is he trustworthy?! Where ARE the nachos?!

J: Am I trustworthy? Just ask the weight scale! And I’ll tell you where the nachos are! They are in my tummy where they belong! Nachos belong in tummies. It’s the American way.
Yes, it’s true I claim komodo dragon bonds. But that’s what America needs right now, a dragon able to project strength and make America safe again. My opponent will spend hundreds of dollars on gerbils and won’t eat meat. What message does that send to our enemies? What does that say about how she will spend our tax dollars?


C: This man just admitted that HE ATE ALL THE NACHOS! He wouldn’t even share! What does that say about his social policies? Whoever orders the nachos and eats them doesn’t even have to share one chip with the rest of us? And what happens when our restaurants run out of nachos and there are none left for the rest of us?


Previously unexplored source of sustainable energy.

I’m glad he mentioned gerbils, actually. I’d like to talk about alternative energy and sustainable energy solutions. I think gerbils, hamsters, and rats can all be part of that. They’re already running in wheels; all we need to do is harness that energy so the wheel running becomes our next source of energy!

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