On Wednesdays, we burrito

C: On Wednesdays, we burrito. Did you burrito ?

J: I did not burrito yesterday. You cannot make me be a veggie! Take your soylent green somewhere else, sister! I have character and sand. My values and morals do not change with the wind. I cannot be bought off with a burrito.
rabble rabble rabble

C: You could have at least tried it. Sheesh.

You have character and sand? What does that even mean? I have sand too, but it’s in my sand jar and some in a ziplock baggie, and it’s not anything I brag about. Maybe you need to get that sand out of your vag, then you wouldn’t be such a cranky-pants.
Maybe you can’t be bought off with a burrito, but I know you can be bought off with two or more burritos.
Besides, it if was soylent green, I wouldn’t be making you a veggie. You’d still be eating meat–granted, it’d be people, but it’s still meat.
I secretly want to actually make you a cannibal. Or at least a little bit of a nibbling cannibal…

J: Two or more burritos is a different story. Every man has a weakness and ALL soy is people! It’s PEOPLE, Claudia, PEOPLE!!!

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On the campaign trail


One tough cookie. The biscotti this country needs.

C: My campaign slogan: One tough cookie. This cookie don’t crumble. Claudia: The Biscotti This Country Needs.

J: Are you running for election? One tough cookie is my campaign slogan. You steal my thunder.

C: It’s MY slogan. I’M the tough cookie!

J: Beware those who would mess with the Stini! I will dunk you in milk!

C: I will soak you in coffee!

J: Says the candidate beholden to “big coffee.” I want strong, healthy bones for my town. My opponent wants you all jittery. I think the choice is clear. Support American milk and not foreign governments’ coffee beans. It’s time to put America first!

C: Folks, my opponent doesn’t support American-grown Kona from Hawaii, nor does he understand the economic impact coffee has on the breakfast and dessert industries. He also doesn’t grasp the decline in productivity and efficiency that would happen in offices around this country. The best part of waking up is freedom to choose! Not to have the government tell you what you can and cannot drink!

J: If my opponent wants to drink coffee and support terrorism, that’s her choice. The stain on our flag and on our teeth is, evidently, a small price to pay for my opponent’s political ambition.
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Pew…pew pew…PEW PEW PEW pew pew

u ewe yew you

Rhymes with…?

J: Yes, men have been bad. But we also get a bum rap.

C: Aw, poor thing. [insert male tears]

J: You’re probably right about Hillary. Do you think she’s on anxiety medication.

C: No.

J: I would be if I was married to Bill.

C: Are you asking these same questions about the OTHER candidates?

J: You know what you don’t hear? Almost every other female in known existence blaming the lack of a strong male role model for their lack of parenting skills. BAM.

C: Now you’re not making sense. Be more clear with your pronouns.

J: And of COURSE I am! You don’t want to know if Ted Cruz is taking any medications?

C: Only if you’re going to ask if Hillary is…

J: And “you” is general for people.

C: Ewe! Continue reading

Why do things suddenly appear?

All the turquoise.

All the turquoise.

C: I just learned turquoise is my birthstone. I think I need a beaded turquoise headdress. And necklace, earrings, and belt buckle.

Bert: You totally do! But I thought December was the ruby. And then you could have slippers!

C: There’s two options for December, but neither one is the ruby. Can I still have the slippers? And shaped like they’re eating my feet? Like shark slippers?

Bert: Ummmmm…ok. If that makes you happy.

Quackity quack.

Quackity quack.

C: I’m getting socks like that for my mom for Christmas for my mom. Only ducks.

Bert: I have socks like that, only fish. I’m always sad they’re not cuttlefish.

C: You know that song Close to You by the Carpenters. If they changed the lyrics from birds to anything else, it would be weird. “Why do cuttlefish suddenly appear every time you are near?” is creepy.

Bert: Why do elk suddenly appear every time you are near?  …Oh man, this is gonna be my new favorite game!

Where are they all coming from?!?

Where are they all coming from?!?

C: Why do squirrels suddenly appear…

Bert: Why do seahorses suddenly appear… Why do thumb drives suddenly appear…

C: And not just animals! Why do lawyers suddenly appear…

Bert: Why do restraining orders suddenly appear…

C: Why do Kardashians suddenly appear…

Bert: NOOO!!!!  Why do Hondas suddenly appear…

C: Because my anaconda don’t want none unless you drive a sensible Honda, hon.

So many burritos...

So many burritos…

Bert: I’m hiding from being an adult right now. I took an early and very long lunch.

C: Why do burritos suddenly appear? Actually, then you’d be MY BEST FRIEND EVER!

Bert: That. Would. Be. Amazing.  My anaconda don’t want none unless you got Betty White, son.

C: Why does Betty White suddenly appear every time you are near? Because Betty White is awesome.BettyWhite

Bert: I need that on a tee shirt. And also to be true.


Ebola dreamin’, 2

J: I have a slight fever. I’m pretty sure. I feel warm. So, do I need to call the hospital and tell them I might have ebola? I’ve been self-monitoring too, and maybe I should be quarantined, since I feel warm.
They got really upset at that nurse when she had a temperature. And that doctor too, when he had a temperature. I don’t wanna get in trouble.
I think once you have a fever, you wait 21 days to get better or die. Assuming, of course, you don’t think my immune system beat ebola before, it’s going to be a harrowing experience.

C: I think you should quarantine yourself. No burritos for 21 days! And you know you’re supposed to take your temperature rectally, right?

J: I would rather die.

C: You may have to.

Warn the children! Burritos!

C: Is your air plant still alive?

J: The air plant is still alive.

C: Are you sure it’s alive? Have you fed it?

J: I thought all I had to do was water it? It still looks alive. It travels with me, but I haven’t named it yet.

C: You have to feed it every other day. It eats crawdads, but might be interested in burritos.

J: Seriously?! ……..air plant is dead.

C: You killed it already? Why did you kill the air plant? That’s airplanticide!

J: It shouldn’t have come between me and burritos.

C: I thought you two could bond over burritos.  😦

J: You thought wrong. I have burrito aggression. Oh god. What have I done!?!? Don’t shake a plant! Burritos have turned me into a monster. Tacos are a gateway food! Tell the children so they don’t make the same mistakes! Mankind must learn to coexist with air plants.