Beware the puddles: Part 2

puddle2

“GOTCHA!” ~the puddle

J: The damn puddles!

C: Oh no! The damn puddles again! You’re getting puddled! Normally in our family, we do the puddling.

J: Like five puddles jumped me on my way from class to my car.

C: Oh nos! What did they take? Your dryness? Your sense of dignity? Your socks?

J: Got my shoes and socks pretty good.

C: What did you do to the puddles?

J: I couldn’t DO anything! I was out numbered and they were calling for their friends in the clouds to help.

C: What do puddles sound like anyway?I would have thought they sounded all splooty, or splashy… And what did you do to them to piss them off that they ganged up on you?

J: They go plop and splish. I didn’t do anything to them! They’re bastards, like sharks and spiders.

C: The half-frozen ones go froooosh and splooobt.

J: It’s all part of the conspiracy. I think the lesson here is never trust a puddle.

Beware the puddles: Part 1

Sharkpuddle

Sharks in our puddles! Beware!

After receiving a voicemail that Stini had successfully not stepped in a puddle this time on his way to class.

C: So proud of the Stini for beating the puddle! You’re a good Stini.

J: Duck you puddle! Puddles are on the list, joining sharks and spiders.

C: Ducking puddles! Being all wet and shit. Sharks probably live in puddles 😦

J: They make mosquitoes and freeze the tires and swamp our footwear. That’s so something a shark would do! Classic shark.

C: They’re trying to hurt hardworking Americans with their wetty wetness!

J: They just sit around all day doing nothing, the lazy puddles! Most people drown in 2 inches of water! Ducking puddles.

C: Two inches?! OMG! All those water glasses you used to leave around the apartment with 2 inches of water in them—are you saying I could have drowned in any one of them!? You put my life in danger!

J: …

Letter to Credit Card Company

Dear Credit Card Company,

I have asked MULTIPLE times to be removed from your mailing list. I have sent polite letters asking to be removed. I have sent sternly worded letters asking to be removed. I have sent short notes written in ALL CAPS in red crayon (sometimes purple) demanding to be removed from the mailing list. Some of these efforts were effective with some credit card companies, but alas, my previous efforts to be removed from your mailing list were clearly not effective. Continue reading

The Temple of DOOOOOM

scared ponies

Ponies frightened of incoming skeletons.

For Thanksgiving, we had a small group. Me, boyfriend K, mom Liz, bestie Rose, Rose’s husband D, and their child V, who’s 4. V is a lovely little child who has no problem making friends with anyone. She particularly likes making friends with boys.

After dinner (in which V had three helpings of mashed potatoes), V began playing with the ponies she’d brought with her, and K decided to join her in play. Apparently, the ponies were all trying to run away from and also defeat the army of skeletons. While sitting on the stairs, V explained the plot of the play. “Well, all the skeletons are coming after the ponies, the ponies have to fight them off of their land because it’s where their houses are and where they eat. But the skeletons want to come and take it from the ponies. The skeletons are really scary, especially at night.” Then she looked at K, wide-eyed, and said “I’m scared!” and reached out to hug him. She’d scared herself with the story, and needed a reassuring hug from a big guy she’d met only a handful of times.

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On what makes something a zombie

J: I have the perfect movie for you and your boyfriend to watch next: Zombeavers.

Zombeavers

What is a zombie when everything is a zombie?

C: Zombeavers? I’m concerned.

J: Zombeavers is real! Zombie beavers!

C: Zombie ladybugs are real!

J: There’s a zombie ladybug movie?

C: No. There are REAL zombie ladybugs.

J: BS. I think I would have noticed a zombie ladybug apocalypse.

C: It’s true. They act as hatcheries for wasps and fight off predators until the wasp hatches out and kills the ladybug.

J: Sounds more like hosts and parasites than “zombies”.

C: It’s like those ants!
zombie ants

J: Ants have that bacteria thing, more of a body snatcher situation. Wasps do the same thing to spiders. Not sure if I’d call them zombie spiders. More like soon-to-be-eaten spiders. I mean, you can’t just put the word zombie in front of something and MAKE it a zombie.

Continue reading